10 Things You Can Say Instead of "YOU'RE SO SMART!"
"Nice work, tell me about how you did that."
Put the emphasis on what the child did. Help them engage with their choices and hard work, and relate that to their success.
"Nice grade! How did you manage that?"
The compliment is fine, but again, relates this accomplishment to the work the child did, and the choices they made – not just to their intelligence.
"Tell me about your drawing/test/essay/etc."
Leave it open-ended. Let the child tell you about what they did, and leave grades out of the conversation completely. If it’s important to them, they’ll bring it up.
"How did you get so good at that?"
Emphasize process. This helps remind youth that good things happen when we plug into tasks from beginning to end, not when we just focus on the result.
"Did it take a long time to learn how to do that?"
Draw attention to the fact that the child stuck with the process, and ground out the win.
"Who is someone who helped you get good at that?"
This develops a sense of gratitude, and connectedness in one’s accomplishments.
"You must have worked hard to do that well."
Praise the process, not just the product.
"What inspired you to put all that work in?"
Was it just to get a good grade? Or is there more to your child’s experience of learning, beyond just getting positive feedback from teachers?
"What do you like about this kind of assignment?"
Encourage your child to engage with their joy of learning, rather than just the external reward of positive evaluation.
"Is this your best work?"
This question is not meant to make the child feel inadequate, or that their best is not good enough. Rather, it’s to help them to develop their own ability to evaluate their work, and assess it honestly based on the effort that they put in. It’s best to ask in cases where you know it is the child’s best effort as it gives them a chance to reflect on what that looks like and how it feels to try their best.
Written by Rob Broughton, Registered Clinical Counsellor, East Van Counselling
Answers & Comments
Answer:
10 Things You Can Say Instead of "YOU'RE SO SMART!"
"Nice work, tell me about how you did that."
Put the emphasis on what the child did. Help them engage with their choices and hard work, and relate that to their success.
"Nice grade! How did you manage that?"
The compliment is fine, but again, relates this accomplishment to the work the child did, and the choices they made – not just to their intelligence.
"Tell me about your drawing/test/essay/etc."
Leave it open-ended. Let the child tell you about what they did, and leave grades out of the conversation completely. If it’s important to them, they’ll bring it up.
"How did you get so good at that?"
Emphasize process. This helps remind youth that good things happen when we plug into tasks from beginning to end, not when we just focus on the result.
"Did it take a long time to learn how to do that?"
Draw attention to the fact that the child stuck with the process, and ground out the win.
"Who is someone who helped you get good at that?"
This develops a sense of gratitude, and connectedness in one’s accomplishments.
"You must have worked hard to do that well."
Praise the process, not just the product.
"What inspired you to put all that work in?"
Was it just to get a good grade? Or is there more to your child’s experience of learning, beyond just getting positive feedback from teachers?
"What do you like about this kind of assignment?"
Encourage your child to engage with their joy of learning, rather than just the external reward of positive evaluation.
"Is this your best work?"
This question is not meant to make the child feel inadequate, or that their best is not good enough. Rather, it’s to help them to develop their own ability to evaluate their work, and assess it honestly based on the effort that they put in. It’s best to ask in cases where you know it is the child’s best effort as it gives them a chance to reflect on what that looks like and how it feels to try their best.
Written by Rob Broughton, Registered Clinical Counsellor, East Van Counselling
Explanation: